I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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