does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
