So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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