wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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