I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
