I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
