I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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