I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
