haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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