ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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