I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
