o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
