so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
