saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
