there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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