hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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