I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
