I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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