I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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