Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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