Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
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Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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