i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
