fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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