she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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