Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
my liver is dry heaving
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
