i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
