I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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