I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
