The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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