if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
