first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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