you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
