i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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