i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
