like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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