i will never coherently bang her
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
