I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Damn victory sex feels great
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
