Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Iām gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a ābrilliantā idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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