My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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