He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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