Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
