the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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