He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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