if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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