Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
