I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
