dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
