How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
