I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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