just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
