I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
