Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
