you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk is a universal language darling
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