No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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