I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
