it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
