The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Welp...herpes.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
