apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
