the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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