I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
