hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
