last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
