The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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