just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
